| Chapter 1: | Operationalizing Fidelity |
some researchers consider such estimates conservative, reporting that 37% of men and 29% of women have engaged in extramarital sexual relationships (Reinisch et al. 1988). Though it is difficult to pinpoint exact rates of such extradyadic behavior, the numbers do suggest that some struggle with the rules of sexual or emotional exclusivity inherent in monogamy. Friendships, workplace environments, social outings, and even Internet chat rooms are potential arenas in which one might not behave monogamously. For example, there is controversy over whether online interaction, such as flirtatious chatting and cybersex, constitutes cheating (Mileham 2007; Millner 2008). Internet dating sites are continuously scanned to prevent “marrieds” from infiltrating the online system by pretending to be single, offering guarantees that the potential life partner one may find is not already partnered for life. Many of today’s relationships seem to be suspended in a contradictory web of monogamy as ideology and monogamy as practice.
The master monogamous template continues to be reinforced socially, institutionally, and individually; however, some actively choose to break the rules of monogamy in order to engage in multiple sexual or romantic partnerships. Consensual nonmonogamy takes a variety of forms, including open relationships, swinging, and polyamory. In swinging and open relationships, individuals challenge the master monogamous template by (1) engaging with multiple sexual partners and (2) being consensual and usually overt about such interactions. Polyamory emerged as a distinct form of nonmonogamy, originating with the free love movement that characterized the 1960s and 1970s. Quite literally, polyamory means “multiple loves,” and it offers an even greater challenge to the master template through a range of multiple sexual, emotional, or affective partnerships (see Sheff 2006). In breaking the cardinal rule of monogamy, nonmonogamists must actively decide how they engage in their relationships rather than relying on mononormative notions of dual exclusivity. The questions arise: If there are rules for monogamy, are there also rules for nonmonogamy? Why are the rules of any relationship (monogamous or nonmonogamous) important,