| Chapter 1: | Operationalizing Fidelity |
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that indicate the behaviors and level of intimacy that are allowed or restricted with others. Rule structures exemplify the role of disclosure and overt communication styles encouraged especially in polyamory. They also challenge the assumption that nonmonogamy in general is impromptu, unrestricted, secretive, and dishonest. Due in part to such rules, the structure, arrangement, and negotiation of polyamorous relationships have been characterized as political (Jackson and Scott 2004), progressive (Kilbride 1994), and equalizing between individuals (Cloud 1999).
Establishing and Negotiating the Rules of Nonmonogamy
Rules are essential in consensual nonmonogamy, but few have examined how such rules are created and maintained, what they look like, what they govern, how they work, and what happens when they are broken. Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) found that all interviewees in their study used some sort of conditions to regulate types of outside sexual behaviors, protect the emotional connection of the primary partners, or prevent others (such as children or family members) from learning about the couple’s extradyadic behavior. Consider the following excerpt from American Couples:
It’s an informal understanding, but we have rules. The major one is no secrecy from each other, but making sure that nothing happens in front of the kids … we also stay away from close straight [conventional] friends of the other. For some reason that bothers both of us … we try and be discreet and our rules help us keep our private life private.
(Blumstein and Schwartz 1983, 291)
Similarly, other researchers have illustrated the importance of preserving the primary bond for nonmonogamists, as in this observation note from Brecher’s study on swingers:
The sharing couples reassure one another on this score by means of verbal statements and by actively demonstrating in large ways