Because gender and sexual orientation are key determinants in rates and experiences with nonmonogamy, I wanted inclusive survey and interview samples. I constructed a brief survey to assess respondents’ relationship rules, experiences with cheating, and perceptions of nonmonogamy. The survey also served as a recruitment tool for subsequent in-depth interviews, which were intended to generate rich data on multiple-partner relationships. I hoped to address the very questions my students asked about nonmonogamists: Who are their partners? What are they doing with their partners? How do they construct their relationships? Do concepts like commitment and loyalty matter in a plural-partner context, and are nonmonogamists happy?
During a conversation with my mentor, Francesca Cancian, she questioned my excluding monogamists from the original study design. I emphasized that my overall goal was to investigate multiple-partner relationships. She suggested that if I wanted answers about sex, love, loyalty, and partnership(s), perhaps I should also ask monogamists. Francesca’s insight compelled me to redesign the study and shift my analytic focus to the intricacies of sex, love, and loyalty in a wider context. I almost missed what has become this study’s main finding: that fidelity can (and does) exist between partners regardless of whether they are monogamous or nonmonogamous. Further, what constitutes fidelity ranges from partnership to partnership and is more nuanced, negotiated, and individuated than I had originally anticipated.
This book ultimately chronicles a range of stories and experiences with sex, love, fidelity, and feeling special between partners. My hope is that readers witness both the commonalities and diversity in today’s romantic relationships—and perhaps even gain insight into their own intimate lives.