The Impact of Internet Pornography on Married Women: A Psychodyna ...

The “fantasy of erotic domination includes both the desire of independence and the desire for recognition” (Benjamin, 1988, p. 52). If the infant is unable to surrender the fantasy that he is omnipotent and can magically control the object, the infant may believe that he can become independent without recognizing the other. Benjamin stresses that in order to achieve independence; there must be mutual recognition, a sharing of like feelings and intentions. Without this mutual recognition, the child continues to believe that he can control the other who is not a separate individual. The developing individual fails to recognize his dependency.

The masochist fears independence as independence means abandonment and separation. Her sense of self is shaped by her identification with the self-sacrificing mother. If the woman acknowledges that she is different from her mother, the woman risks destroying the beloved other. She can protect the “all-good, all-powerful maternal object” (Benjamin, 1988, p. 79) by retreating into compliance and submission. The fear of separation and difference is transformed into submission. By submitting to the sadist, by taking on the fault, the masochist protects the other from hurt and pain and reenacts the early relationship with the mother.

“Controlled practice of sadomasochism portrays a classic drama of destruction and survival” (Benjamin, 1988, p. 68). The excitement for the sadist lies in the survival of the masochist. If the masochist can survive the attack, the sadist can then experience love and experience freedom. As the sadist experiences this as love, so does the masochist. The woman shares the deep psychic pain; “the opportunity to give over pain in the presence of a trusted other who comprehends the suffering he inflicts” (Benjamin, 1988, p. 68). Both masochist and sadist derive something out of the arrangement.

Benjamin (1995) examines the differences in gender development to understand the phenomenon that associates femininity with masochism and masculinity with sadism. For both sexes, the woman is the primary caretaker and the first object. Differentiation in relation to the primary object poses a special difficulty for the male child. He must define himself as a different gender in order to differentiate from his primary love object.