| Chapter 1: | Autobiographical Self |
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I feel as though there was a subtext to the message she wrote, apologizing to me for having to take care of her. In Japanese culture, the concept of apologizing is deeply rooted in the concept of humility and modesty. Even when thanking someone, we often say sumimasen (I am sorry). The social expectation placed upon Japanese women at that time was that she should place the needs of her family above her own.
My child cries for help
I grasp my mother’s ordeal
At the crack of dawn
(Yoshimoto, 2005, p. 37)
During the course of my marriage, I had the pleasure of raising four children. The marriage, however, began to crumble after 8 years. When I reached the age my mother was when she died, 50 years old, I began to wonder whether I, like her, could write kansha (appreciation) when I passed away. I felt as though, to accomplish what she had, I would have to be independent like she had always encouraged me to be. During my university career, because it was a Catholic university, many of my courses were taught in English. I had a decent understanding of English, so I decided to teach part-time at an English-language conversation school. I had been reading a book by Shinoda and Shinzaki (1992), Eigo wa onna wo kaeru (lit., English changes a woman)1 and I felt deeply influenced by what it had to say. Looking back, I feel as though encountering this book was a very ironic, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me. The authors were simultaneous interpreters at conferences. They said that learning another language unveils another culture’s ideology. Having read this book several times and working part-time at an English school, I was exposed to the cultural ideology associated with English—and it began to influence how I thought. The prospect of earning my own money, being exposed to an ideology in which women have freedom, and recalling the encouragement of my mother all helped to nurture my independence.